asker

Anonymous asked: Are you a stupid cunt for posting this hateful shit?

Perhaps.

Dream on Me, Inc.

This is a toddler bed made by Dream on Me, Inc. I have a question for the fine folks over at Dream on Me, Inc:

DO I LOOK LIKE I’M FUCKING AMISH?!?

I’m only asking because the amount of time and energy that’s required to put this piece of shit together leads me to assume that you think I grew up raising barns, or some shit. Well, I didn’t.

Now I admit, I have a beard, but it’s a full beard and I keep it pretty well-trimmed; it’s not one of those bushy, mustache-less chin strap jobs. Plus, I fucking love electricity. In fact, a few years back I invited a utility company to come build a power plant in my backyard. That’s how much I love electricity. Unfortunately, the plans fell through because they insisted on building a power plant that utilized clean coal technology. Everyone knows clean coal is for pussies.

Anyway, a “get out of here with this horse-and-buggy baby bed shit” cockpunch for you, Dream on Me, Inc.

P.S. The name of your company creeps me out. 

Drew Magary

This is Drew Magary. He is a contributing editor at Deadspin, co-founder of Kissing Suzy Kolber, writer of science-fictiony books, and one of the many, many, many people who, before the NFL season started, seemed to think the Carolina Panthers would have better success with a one-armed, quadriplegic, hemophiliac as their starting quarterback rather than Cam Newton. He also likes making pissy faces when getting his picture taken. HOW ELSE WILL THEY KNOW THAT I AM A SERIOUS WRITER!?!

Anyway, if you remember back just six months ago, the prevailing assumption was that Cam Newton was a stupid, lazy, thug who would simply try to get by on his natural athletic ability even though, as everyone knows, that just won’t cut it in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE. It was as though every sports writer and pundit in America had been possessed by the sanctimonious spirit of Gregg Easterbrook, a favorite foil of Magary’s who seems to honestly believe that a football team’s success is proportional to the number of tight ends and undrafted free agents on its roster.

Well, Newton proved to be better than a one-armed, quadriplegic, hemophiliac. Quite a bit better. In fact, he’s had arguably the greatest rookie season for a quarterback EVER. Newton was so good that, in his latest weekly NFL column for Deadspin, Magary said:

[H]e should be allowed to spend the offseason cockpunching every single person who hated on him in the preseason, (ME INCLUDED). No one deserves a cockpunch from #1 more than I do.

Wish granted, Mr. Magary.

Still, how could everyone be so wrong about Newton’s chances for success as a starting NFL quarterback? Well, perhaps it was because people spent more time evaluating Newton’s talents as a person than as a player. Take for instance what Nolan Nawrocki listed as Newton’s “negatives” in Pro Football Weekly’s draft preview:

“Very disingenuous — has a fake smile, comes off as very scripted and has a selfish, me-first makeup.  Always knows where the cameras are and plays to them.  Has an enormous ego with a sense of entitlement that continually invites trouble and makes him believe he is above the law…”

What the fuck? That’s pretty much a blanket description of every NFL quarterback. It’s pretty obvious that these words and a lot of those uttered, written and tweeted (and now eaten) by Newton’s detractors were based on the mistaken assumption that the Carolina Panthers were drafting [insert name of popular black, male rap star] and not someone who just won the Heisman trophy and led his team to a national championship. To paraphrase Drew Magary, THASS kinda RAYCESS!

That’s not to say anyone who thought Cam Newton would prove to be an abysmal professional quarterback is a racist. Though, if you said something like, “this isn’t the NBA,” when talking about how smart you have to be to be a successful quarterback and are thus unconvinced that Cam Newton is going to be any good, you’re probably kind of racist.

A “judge a man by the content of his 40-yard time, not by the culture of his contemporaries” cockpunch to Drew Magary and all of the other Cam Newton haters.